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[18 Aug 2008|08:53am] |
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[31 Jul 2008|10:34pm] |
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CAN'T GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY, HO HO HO.
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| eighth. |
[26 Jul 2008|06:59pm] |
Greetings, guys and dolls! For those of you who are unaware, Monday marks the beginning of my weeklong segment called Communism: The Cult. This "political affiliation" (or, as I like to call it, poppycock) is quite popular amongst some terrorist cells located in the City. It is my civic duty to report the evils of such a cult to the public, horrible as it may be.
Communism has been linked to 38% of those poor unfortunate souls that have been stricken with "the gay." It's been proven that the so called Communist Manifesto is filled with homoerotic undertones. Keep this disgusting piece of literature away from your sons and daughters, folks, unless you want them to catch the gay.
I managed to get my hands on a copy of Communist Rules for Revolution and I'm not going to lie -- it's downright disturbing. Here are a few choice excerpts:Corrupt the young; get them away from religion. Get them interested in sex. Make them superficial; destroy their ruggedness.
Get people's minds off their government by focusing their attention on athletics, sexy books, plays, and other trivialities.
Encourage civil disorders and foster a lenient and soft attitude on the part of government toward such disorders. These "rules" sound awfully reminiscint of the "Rhythm Revolution." It doesn't surprise me that such a horrible terrorist cell would have ideals closely linked with that of Communism.
But the most disturbing thing I've learned about this cult, I learned first hand. You see, this isn't common knowledge but I used to have a younger brother. His name was Maxwell and he showed promise at a very young age. But then he became taken with some foreign harlot and the magical cult that is Communism. He began slacking off in school, badmouthing our great government, and eventually ran off -- worrying our poor mother to death. My brother is dead now -- death by AIDs. A disease he got from Communism.
So, please be sure to catch the evening news all next week -- don't let a tragedy rip apart your family like it did mine. :(
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| seventh. |
[22 Jul 2008|10:32pm] |
If you're one of those uninformed types and didn't catch tonight's evening news, then you probably didn't hear about the fire hydrant that was accidentally turned on in a particularly rough part of Bragtown today. The riot that rocked the slums -- and managed to halt rush hour traffic -- resulted in thirteen injures. One person was killed when he was trampled on by slummers rushing to the hydrant. It's a shame. A shame that the slums are still overflowing with disorderly maniacs!
Not only that, but my Chinese assistant from the slums, Jack Chan, thought it was fit to drink the last bottle of my imported spring water. I fired him on the spot, but I think it is just so tragic. Tragic that a man can't even enjoy a bottle of French water without a crazy slummer ruining that too.
That is all the sad news for today. Until next time, friends! :)
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| sixth. |
[29 Jun 2008|02:41am] |
My, my! Good help is so impossibly hard to find good help these days. Maria has only been working for me for three weeks after I accidentally impregnated Anita and she's gone and ruined my favorite picture. It was my favorite picture from a photoshoot I did a few years back and now I have to go buy another custom frame. She was dusting or cleaning the windows or whatever it is I pay her to do and she claims she "accidentally" knocked it over. Kent Clancy is no idiot. And I can't keep a house servant that goes around breaking valuables. So if anyone happens to know of any good house servants, have them e-mail a resume to my manager. Please, no fake resumes this time around. I see you there "I. C. Weiner" and I am most certainly not impressed.
But on a more positive note, I'd like to answer some fanmail!Dear Kent!
oooomg! I was at your hip and happening birthday party the other night (and you are the hottest 34 year old ever) and I thought I saw these two heathen chavscum boys dancing inappropriately! My sister keeps saying that she didn't think the dancing was too bad but I told her that we should stick to things like the Hand Jive and Mashed Potatoes! What is your favorite dance move??
l0v3, ang3la!! Haha, yes. I think I remember something like that happening. But I have to agree, Angela. "Bumping" and "grinding" is not only inappropriate, but I heard it can lead to cases of communist devil worshiping. Be sure that you're five inches away from your dance partner at all times! As for my favorite dance move, I'm going to have to go with the Twist! It's appropriate and fun!
Well, that's all for now! I hope that all of your eyes will be on me tomorrow during Wake Up Call! Zip it up and zip it out! :)
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| fifth. |
[30 May 2008|08:38pm] |
I know I told you guys and gals that old Kent wasn't interested in making an album. But! I've actually been in the recording studio all along! That's why I haven't made too many updates lately. ;) But yes, they just showed me the album art for the CD and I'm quite pleased with how it turned out. What do you all think?
And for those who are curious, Wake Me Up Before You Go Go! is being released July 20th! But that's not the only important date of the summer. Yours truly has a birthday coming up on June 20th and I hope some of you make it out to the celebration that's being held at Hotel California! I'll even perform a few songs from the album! :)
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| fourth. |
[10 May 2008|07:32pm] |
If you watched Wake Up Call! yesterday, you’ve might have noticed my segment on Resisting Rebellion: How to Keep Teenagers on the Straight and Narrow. In case you missed it, here are some of the tips we went over to make sure that your kid is on his way to success instead of prison:Make sure they say their prayers every night! It’s a proven statistic that 84% of all members of that so called ‘Revolution’ are actually Satan worshiping commies!
Keep them away from immoral substances: rock and roll music, pornography, drugs, alcohol, and premarital sex. Sex before you tie the knot will cause your morals to rot!
Inappropriate dancing ie. thrusting, grinding, dropping it like it’s hot, etc! Kids these days need to stick to the classics, like the Twist and the Hand Jive.
If your daughter is becoming a little too outspoken, counseling may be in order. Girls need to learn their place in today’s society while they’re young. A girl who isn’t interested in cooking, cleaning, and pleasing her husband is probably on their way to immorality right now.
If you think your child has been stricken with the gay, please send them to therapy immediately. Homosexuality is one of the most damaging diseases in terms of being socially acceptable. Symptoms of the gay (for males) include: interest in feminine activities (cooking, cleaning, sewing), gay accents (also known as lisps), and an overall interest in becoming a poo pirate (that’s what the kids are calling it these days). A few of the superintendents of the City’s school system are interested in setting up an in school program warning students of the dangers of this Revolution—and they’ve asked me to be a guest speaker! Isn’t that wonderful? I’ll be touring a few boroughs next week (during my off hours), so you kids attending PS 61 through PS 73 need to look out for me! ;)
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| third. |
[28 Apr 2008|12:20am] |
I attended the screening of my commercial for Bow Chicka Bow Wow hairspray tonight, and I must say, it's absolutely dazzling. The camera angles, the lighting, everything - they definitely captured my good side! And I don't mean to brag, but man, I am such a great singer. There was only one blemish on my good day, and it wasn't even a real blemish. I was washing my hands in the studio bathroom and I could have sworn I saw a gray hair. Upon closer inspection, I realized that it was only my imagination. I doubt I'll be getting gray hairs anytime soon - that sort of thing only happens to old people - but it was quite the distressing experience.
Oh well, that's nothing I have to worry about right now! I hope all of you had a great day as well! :)
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| second. |
[19 Apr 2008|10:54pm] |
A lot of you have been asking if I'll be attending the party tonight at Hotel California. The answer is yes! Masquerade parties are so excited, I love dressing up in costumes. Some of you may be wondering what I'll be going as! Well, I decided to take a picture so you'll all be prepared for my stunning costume!
Magnificent, yes? Hope to see you all there! :)
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| first. |
[12 Apr 2008|12:23am] |
Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen! Wake Up Call! is having quite the star filled line up next week. You’ll be getting to see yours truly do a duet with pop superstar Dustin Simperlake and interview rising While The Sun Sets star, Blake Everheart! I’ll also be interviewing Don Michaels, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are Meant to be Cleaning.
Now, what I know you’re all anxiously waiting for. It’s time for me to answer some of my fanmail!Dear Kent!
OMG you are totally the best! I make sure to watch your show every day and OMG. I was totally wondering, like, when you’re going to get your own record deal??? You have such a fantabulous voice and I would totally be like, OMG, maybe eight copies!! Please make a CD!!
<333
Kendra!
Kendra, you aren’t the first person to ask me such a question. In fact, I’ve been stopped on the streets many a time about this particular subject. As of right now, I have no interest in getting a record deal. While I’m certain it’d be a best seller, I’m just too busy with other projects at the moment. But don’t lose hope, little Kendra! It’s definitely not out of the picture just yet!
Dear Kent!
First off, I want to say that I love your program. You’re the reason I’m considering a career in journalism. But before I can start working for C83, I have a problem. I was wondering how I could get hair as sleek and shiny as yours. Mine is already starting to then and my girlfriend complains that it’s dull and boring all the time. What products do you use?
Any help would be appreciated!
Mark Wright
Always great to hear about another aspiring journalist, Mark. It’s a great feeling to know that I‘m that inspiring to folks. As for my hair, yes - it’s quite wonderful, isn’t it? Part of it is due to great genes, while the other part is due to Bow Chicka Bow Wow Hairspray! In fact, you can see me starring in a commercial for Bow Chicka Bow Wow Hairpsray! shortly! Well, that’s all for this update! Zip it up and zip it out, folks! :)
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